I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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