your parents love me but you hate me
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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