omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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