i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
