Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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