Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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