i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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