you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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