thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I need to calm my uterus...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
