Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
