I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
