Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
