I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
