I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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