Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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