If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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