The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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