Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Woke up backwards on a recliner
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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