Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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