i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
