I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you win again, gameday.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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