i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
