What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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