Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
