Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
