Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
