I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Is it because I queefed?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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