I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
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The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
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Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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