I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
where are my eyebrows?
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