Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just tell him i said nine months
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
