I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
