I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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