I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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