I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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