By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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