new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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