I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
