I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
