I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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