My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
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I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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