I'm laying in your front yard are you home
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
