The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
