Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
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Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Operation Purity has been aborted
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
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