rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
