I faked an abortion last night.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
