The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I want a musical about memes.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
