he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
there was a trapeze. enough said
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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