if you like me you must not know who I am
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
