It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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