you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
