remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
