if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
