watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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