glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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