I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I need to align my fucking chakras
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