Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
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I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
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I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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