She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
