he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
