you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My ATM looks so different sober.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
